A ‘Few’ Words on Good Manners from a Rather Disappointed Disciplinarian

I have come to the rather depressing conclusion that good manners have become something of a luxury. A simpleplease, thank you, excuse me, or even a pleasant smile seem to be making rarer and rarer appearances, particularly among younger generations. Judging by the behaviour of some people, you would think these small courtesies required a substantial financial investment. Yet they are entirely free. They cost absolutely nothing, and still they can bring so much to people’s lives.

What on earth has happened? I was brought up to believe that good manners were simply part of everyday life. You greeted people, thanked them for their kindness, apologised when you were wrong, and treated others with consideration. Nothing terribly complicated, yet these little gestures make both parties feel better. It isn’t a question of intelligence, but rather of knowing what is right and being bothered to do it. Have we, somewhere along the way, collectively decided that teaching good manners is no longer particularly important? Are they even being taught anymore? We still expect people to have them, of course, but apparently nobody is quite sure whose responsibility it is to teach them. Parents? Teachers? Society? Perhaps we are all waiting for somebody else to do it, but it is beginning to appear that nobody actually is.

Only recently, I witnessed a rather extraordinary little incident on a bus, and sadly, it was by no means an isolated occurrence. A young person dropped something on the floor. A middle-aged lady sitting behind them kindly picked it up and handed it back. The young person took it, turned away, and that was that. Not a thank you, not a smile, not even the slightest acknowledgement. Just a facial expression that suggested the world owed them a favour. Or perhaps I am being unfair. It is entirely possible that something inside their little brain was buffering… buffering… and the appropriate response simply never arrived. Perhaps the situation was terribly complex, and nobody had ever explained what to do when another human being shows you a little kindness.

I sat there wondering what on earth was going on inside that young person’s head, if anything. Were they embarrassed? Socially awkward? Had nobody ever told them what to say in such circumstances? Or could they simply not be bothered? Personally, I would have been thoroughly ashamed of myself if I had failed to acknowledge somebody who had kindly done something for me. And what about the poor lady who had gone out of her way to help? I wonder what she thought. I would have been rather tempted to lean forward and politely announce, “Thank you. Those are the words you’re looking for, darling.” And let me reassure you, I would have been perfectly polite, but there would have been no mistaking the firmness of my tone.

What particularly puzzles me is that we seem to have a generation with an extraordinary amount to say. They are wonderfully vocal about their opinions, their rights, and everything they believe the world owes them. Yet some appear completely incapable of expressing the most elementary courtesy. Now, before anybody accuses me of declaring war on the younger generation, let me be clear. There are plenty of delightful, thoughtful, and beautifully mannered young people. Equally, there are older people whose manners leave a great deal to be desired. But I cannot help feeling that, whereas poor manners once seemed to be the exception, nowadays it is sometimes good manners that take me by surprise. And that is a rather sad state of affairs.

After all, if I encountered a calf standing in my way, I wouldn’t expect it to move aside politely. Neither would I expect a grateful acknowledgement if I retrieved something it had dropped. It is a calf. Such things are quite beyond its understanding. But surely we can expect a little more from human beings? Or am I being terribly unreasonable?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely where I believe a good disciplinarian could be of tremendous service to society. Imagine the possibilities! A little remedial education in courtesy, a few lessons in consideration, and perhaps some firm encouragement for those who have mysteriously forgotten the words please and thank you. I suspect certain individuals would suddenly discover that their manners had been there all along, merely waiting for the appropriate motivation.

And I am quite sure you all know what I mean by appropriate motivation. A thoroughly smacked bottom can be a remarkable reminder that we are human beings, perfectly capable of knowing better and behaving accordingly. Isn’t it rather extraordinary that, at what we consider the pinnacle of human knowledge and progress, we seem increasingly willing to abandon some of the most basic lessons in human decency? We have achieved extraordinary things. Never before have we had such access to knowledge, scientific understanding, and awareness of our responsibilities towards one another, other living creatures, and the natural world. And yet, something seems to be going terribly wrong. Established scientific knowledge is being questioned or dismissed, history is being distorted or rewritten, and lessons that humanity has spent centuries learning are seemingly being forgotten. Are we witnessing the beginning of a decline? Will the 21st century be remembered as the century in which civilisation, having reached such remarkable heights, began its slow descent into oblivion? That may sound terribly dramatic for an article about good manners, but I cannot help wondering whether these seemingly insignificant little changes are symptoms of something much bigger. Are we really progressing, or are we slowly and voluntarily turning ourselves back into calves? And if so, I fear even a very determined disciplinarian may have her work cut out.

This is merely my personal opinion, but having observed the changes in society over just the past few years, I am increasingly convinced that we now live in a world where the freedom to behave like a complete idiot is not only granted but, on occasion, enthusiastically defended. Social media have provided idiots with a wonderful opportunity to find one another, form large communities, and create echo chambers in which their collective nonsense is repeated, amplified, and eventually presented as unquestionable truth. Ideas that might once have been dismissed as utter rubbish can now reach millions, and the sheer volume of misinformation being poured into our collective consciousness is rather frightening.

What troubles me even more is the apparent disregard for the extraordinary achievements of Western civilisation. I can only speak about the civilisation I know, but I genuinely believe that, particularly in recent history, we have reached a remarkable point in our treatment of one another. For all its historical faults and imperfections, Western civilisation has made extraordinary progress in protecting human dignity, individual freedoms, compassion and the reduction of cruelty. Practices once accepted as perfectly normal are now rightly regarded as barbaric, and concern for the suffering of others has become deeply embedded in our laws and social values. Surely these are achievements worth celebrating and protecting? Have we become so accustomed to the benefits of civilisation that we have forgotten how much effort it took to achieve them? Is it carelessness, ignorance, or some extraordinary desire to dismantle the very foundations upon which so much of our progress has been built? Why, having come so far, would we not want to continue moving forward?

And then, of course, we have postmodernism. Now, I have a rather unflattering opinion of certain aspects of this intellectual movement. It sometimes seems to me that, unable to offer anything substantially better than what previous generations had painstakingly built, some thinkers discovered that a perfectly respectable living could be made from taking it all apart. Question it, dissect it, deconstruct it, give it a new name, rearrange the pieces, and present the result as a remarkable intellectual achievement. How terribly clever! Naturally, such ideas have their appeal. Every younger generation enjoys believing that it knows better than its parents and that previous generations got everything terribly wrong. And sometimes, of course, they are absolutely right. Progress depends on questioning what came before us. But questioning something and improving it are two entirely different accomplishments. It is considerably easier to explain why something is wrong than to create something better in its place.

What concerns me is how influential this way of thinking has become over recent decades, particularly when criticism turns into an almost automatic rejection of established knowledge, traditions and values. Yes, previous generations made dreadful mistakes, and we should learn from them. But they also achieved extraordinary things. Surely wisdom lies in recognising both? Instead, I increasingly fear that we are

throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, dismantling things that worked perfectly well simply because they belong to the past. And I cannot help wondering whether, in our enthusiasm to prove how much cleverer we are than those who came before us, we are forgetting just how much we owe them.

And since good manners and common courtesy are among the many things we have inherited from previous generations, I cannot help wondering whether they, too, are becoming casualties of this enthusiasm for questioning everything that came before us. After all, they are rather old-fashioned concepts, aren’t they? Perhaps somebody will eventually explain why saying please and thank you is terribly outdated and propose something wonderfully progressive to replace them. Until then, I shall stubbornly cling to the belief that treating another human being with a little kindness and consideration is one tradition well worth preserving.

Against all this, somebody being inconsiderate, rude or thoroughly unpleasant seems almost trivial. And that may be precisely why we no longer bother, or even dare, to correct it. But I wonder whether we are overlooking something important. Good manners, however insignificant they may seem, could be one small place to start. If we made a little more effort to treat one another with courtesy, to listen rather than simply shout, and to show consideration even when we disagree, we might begin to slow this worrying decline. After all, civilisation is not maintained by knowledge alone, but also by how we choose to treat one another.

I am not suggesting that every discourteous person should find themselves standing before my desk. Good heavens, I would never get a day off!

But I do sometimes wonder whether the world might be a considerably more pleasant place if we stopped treating good manners as an optional extra. After all, kindness costs nothing, courtesy takes seconds, and a smile can brighten somebody’s entire day. And the lovely thing is that the benefits often go both ways. Even science tells us that acts of kindness can make both the giver and the receiver feel better. So really, everybody wins.

Surely that isn’t too much to ask?

Now, do remember to say please and thank you, darlings. I should hate to have to remind you twice.

Governess Miss Zee